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Siren song
the unknown
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national center for missing and exploited children
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December 10th 2001 I stepped warily into the great unknown, now once again I'm getting ready for yet another transition. I spent the first eight months in various shelters of one type or another, some good, some not so good, and finally entered the YWCA transitional housing program where I have resided for the past seventeen months, it is an eighteen month program, so as of today I have a few days less than one month left. I'm looking forward to no longer living under the watchful eye of social workers and such, but I'm slightly terrified at the same time of not having the safety net I have grown accustomed to here, this is not the real world. I'm getting ready to move back into a world where landlords dont care why the rent is late, or whether you or your child eat or not, I'll be left to my own devices and decisions, which havnt always had the best track record, I'm really just beginning to trust myself. Still I have the support of my family, which wasnt always the case, my mom makes a point these days of assuring me that I'm not alone when I get nervous, and always there is Bishop, he keeps me grounded, when I feel like playing hooky from work, it is always the thought of him that pushes me out of bed and out the door, truthfully its usually his voice calling me that wakes me in the morning. Without him I know I'd still be sitting on that same old brick wall I once called home, or probably worse by now. Thank you Bishop.
     Nothing much has changed in Johns life, he managed to discover where I work and occaisionally pops up, I have no fear of him, hes to busy being the same old John to find time for vengeance. I feel pity for him mostly, having missed the last two years of his sons life, but that is his choice, he has allowed his many addictions to rob him of time and events that will never be again, how very sad. He used to tell me I'd die without him, I used to believe it, then I decided it would be better to die without him than die with him, but I'm not dead, I guess you cant believe everything you hear.
 
   A bird with new wings looking up into infinity, hoping she wont get lost in that endless sky.

Jan 10 2003
  Well as I stated above Im in the process of looking for a new apartment. Today my credit application was finally approved with a realty company I had visited, so I took my luch hour to check out what I hoped would be my new home. My hopes began to falter as I walked up three flights of old iron stairs, I just couldnt picture myself hauling bishop up and down those stairs several times a day, but I thought Id go ahead and look inside the apartment anyway. The walkway was covered with old, grimy carpet, there was a pool right in the center of this sort of square complex, the pool was full of leaves and garbage, I glanced warily at the "pool closed" sign, wondering if it had ever been opened in the first place, yuk! Still I trudged on, each window I passed boasted a set of withered, torn, cheap plastic blinds. Window dressing says alot about a person. Feeling only obligated at this point to finish what I had started I put the key in the door, stepped timidly across the tacky blue carpet, halfheartedly inspected the kitchen with its god awful 1970s olive green appliances, then headed straight for the bathroom, a good bathroom is important, well I couldnt even open the door all the way, this was the smallest bathroom I had ever laid eyes on, the bathtub blocked the door from opening more than 10 inches, yet there was a massive closet right next to the bathroom, perhaps the guys that built the place had the blueprints upside down. I had seen enough and left quickly to return the key. Back to square one. But there is a lesson here. I knew I wanted and deserved better than that run down old apartment, but it wasnt so long ago I took whatever came my way, from dumpy apartments to dumpy boyfriends. I never before had the ability to recognize when something or someone wasnt worth my time or investment. Today, not only do I recognize such things, I have the ability to walk away from anything that isnt in my best interest, and that my friends is a great feeling. The freedom to choose.

I got a call today from the realty company I had previously turned down, see the dump above, well now they want to show me other apartments, which is actually a blessing because Im already approved with them and didnt feel like shelling out another twenty or thirty bucks for yet another application fee, dont get me started on application fees, or any of the thousands of arbitrary ways companies come up with to suck you dry. Anyway, Im going to check out some of their nicer apartments tomorrow, still in the same price range too. Another lesson here. Sometimes if you hold out for what you really want, and deserve, you actually get it. Remember this ladies, never settle for less than what you deserve, even if it means having to wait for it.
 
 
 
 Jan. 20 2003
 Ive found an apartment. Its a fixer upper but with a little imagination and creativity it has potential. The best feature is the view of the city, the complex sits on top of a mountain, I can sit on my balcony and watch all the beautiful spring storms,which is one of my favorite pass times. I feel a new day dawning.
 
 
Friday July 25 2008
well its been a few years since I updated this site. I thought it might be nice to let you know whats going on if anyone is still reading this. Bishop is 8 years old!!! crazy huh. he will be entering third grade this year. I still have the same car I bought a few years ago...great car. Im still working at the same place, been there 7 years, time flies. Bishop and I have had our struggles to be sure, but as I promised him long ago nowhere we have been and nothing we have gone through has been as bad as where we were. He is old enough now to understand when I thank him for saving my life, I try to do that as often as I can.